These Days
by JustAnotherPseudonym
Summary: Alexandra Cabot is off in Witness Protection and begins forming a life away from New York when Olivia comes to bring her back home. Femslash.
1. Chapter 1

**These Days**

**Author**: JustAnotherPseudonym

**Disclaimer:** I do not own the rights to Law and Order: SVU nor am I seeking ownership. All original characters I'll take credit for.

**Rating:** M because I don't like dealing with ratings and I'm sure this story will rate an M eventually.

**Summary:** Alexandra Cabot is off in Witness Protection and discovers that life exists outside of New York. Femslash. Kind of. Olivia will appear in later chapter.

Chapter 1

"So I'm not the only one who feels the need to retreat."

Ellen Hammond, formerly known as Alexandra Cabot, quickly turned away from the two story window she was staring out of to face the smiling figure standing in the doorway. "I'm sorry."

The woman shrugged. "Please don't apologize. I understand how one might feel the need to flee the oppressive air my family emanates from their very pores."

"It's not that," Ellen hurried to correct. "I like your family."

"Well," the woman smiled, "that at least makes one of us." She walked further into room and stopped when she was standing next to their house guest. "Did my uncle tell you about the history of the estate?"

"Your uncle?"

"He's who you came with, I assume. The rest of the single male members of the Hodges family are—for lack of a better term—undesirable, and since you look like a relatively intelligent, attractive, and mostly sane individual my uncle would be the only logical choice as your dinner companion."

Ellen couldn't help but smile at the younger woman. "I didn't know Luke had any siblings."

"He did once." The woman reached into the back pocket of her dark designer blue jeans and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. She removed two cigarettes from the pack then returned it to her pocket. "Here," she handed one of the cigarettes over to Ellen, "you really look like you could use one of these."

Ellen took the cigarette without giving any real thought to refusing it. She bent over slightly to accept the light her new companion was offering. "You are old enough to smoke aren't you?" she asked as she blew the smoke out of her lungs, internally happy that she didn't choke on the unfamiliar sensation.

"What's old enough?" the woman took a long drag of her own cigarette. "I think dealing with these society hypocrites makes me old enough to do just about anything."

"You don't like your family?"

"Tell me the truth, lady, do I look like I even belong in this family?"

Having been given permission, Ellen took a small step away from her new companion and took the smaller figure in. It was easy to see the differences that set this Hodges apart from the others. Her skin was a few shades darker and she was slightly shorter but more muscular than the rest of the Hodges women Ellen had already met. Her hair was darker as well with an unruly curl. Her eyes were the same as the others, though. She had the same gray eyes as Luke. "I can see them in you."

The woman smiled. "Your powers of observation are stronger than most." She took another long drag of her cigarette. "Judging from your general appearance and demeanor I would assume that you're a lawyer." Her smile shifted into a smirk. "From New York, right? Former Assistant Distract Attorney, Alexandra Cabot."

A rush of adrenaline spread throughout Ellen's body but her face revealed none of her fear. "Your powers of observation need work."

"I used to live in New York. I got sent to some overcharging private boarding school since the family doesn't want me on the same side of the country with them, which is fine with me since I don't really enjoy North Dakota all that much. Anyway, while I was there this big story started covering all the newspapers and newscasts. This ADA came back from the dead to testify and when she was done she disappeared again." She turned away from Ellen and looked out the window in front of them down into the empty yard below. "Sometimes I wish I could disappear like you did."

"No you don't." Ellen replied softly.

"Grass is always greener, you know?" she rocked backwards on the balls of her feet. "My mother killed herself a few years after I was born. She couldn't stand to be in this family. They gave her a lot of shit for getting pregnant by a black man and give me even more shit for being the demon spawn. I'm sure they would have pawned me off to my father if they would have known who he was. If you want my advice, former ADA, then you'll drop Luke and run away from this family before they start making you want to assume a new identity and disappear again."

"Ah, Ellen there you are," A man walked up to the pair and deliberately stood between the them. "We were starting to wonder where you had run off too."

"Don't worry, Uncle Luke, I've just been telling her the story of the estate." The younger Hodges told the man's back. "Just thought she'd like to know the history of the garden. You know, since it was built out of true love and all."

"Yes well," he briefly looked over his shoulder to his niece, "I thought you had somewhere else to be tonight, Alexandra."

"I do, so I'll leave. Have fun at what's left of the party that I wasn't officially invited to." She flicked her cigarette out of her hand and it landed at her uncle's feet. She walked away and didn't look back even when her uncle started yelling out her name.

Two Weeks Later

When Ellen opened her front door she was a little more than mildly surprised to see Alexandra Hodges standing on the other side with a duffel bag slung across her shoulder. She let the younger woman in and then quickly moved to the kitchen to make some tea in hopes that the task would give her a chance to regain her equilibrium. Ellen had hoped that her first time seeing Alexandra Hodges would also be her last. She wasn't prepared to deal with someone who knew her secrets.

"If you want me to leave, I'll go." Alexandra said from the entrance to the kitchen. "I'm not going to blackmail you into giving me a place to stay. I'd like to think I have more ethics than most of my family."

"You should change your clothes," Ellen didn't turn away from the tea kettle. "You don't want to get sick from wearing the wet ones."

Alexandra nodded then turned and left. Ellen braced herself on the nearest countertop and forced herself to get some control over her emotions. Briefly she wondered what happened to the woman who she had been before. She wondered what happened to the person who wasn't afraid all the time.

"I really didn't want to freak you out," Alexandra returned to the kitchen wearing a new pair of jeans and a new shirt. "They kicked me out, you know, because I refused to go back to school. They promised me they'd give me time to decide to go back, after everything that happened to me there."

"What happened?" The tea kettle started to whistle and Ellen put her attention on pouring the water into the two mugs she had managed to remove from the cupboards.

Alexandra shrugged. "Just the same old tragic story. You know, about the innocent girl and the not so innocent boy who wants to set the girl 'straight'. Except in my story, my family doesn't support me and I don't get to press any charges because everyone knows I'm a gay bitch whore anyway."

Ellen stopped pouring and turned to face her unexpected guest. "I'm sor…"

Alexandra waved off Ellen's words. "Don't apologize. I'm tired of people apologizing to me. I'm tired of people feeling sorry for me. It doesn't change anything anyway."

"Okay," Ellen nodded.

"So do you want me to call you Ellen or what?" Alexandra shoved her hands into her front pockets. "People usually call me Lexa by the way. The only people that use my full name are usually authority figures of some kind."

"You should call me Ellen. That's who I am now." She pushed a mug of tea across the kitchen island towards Lexa. "You know me because I dated your uncle for a brief period of time and you're staying with me because you had a falling out with your family and remembered me as a friendly face."

Lexa reached for the cup in front of her. "So that's our cover story? Because we need a cover story?"

"You can't know who I am, Lexa" Ellen said calmly.

Lexa wrapped her hands around her cup and breathed in the aroma of the mint tea. "I don't know who you are." She blew on the liquid and took a tentative sip. "You're just my shot in the dark."

They moved from the kitchen into the living room, mostly because it was something they could do with themselves besides standing across from each other in uncomfortable silence. They sat on Ellen's couch and stared at the dark screen of the television. Both sipped at their tea and did their best to look more comfortable than they actually felt. The silence eventually got to Ellen and instead of trying for conversation she turned on the television and they sat and watched a Lifetime movie about a woman who's plan to kill her husband with her secret female lover went terribly wrong.

They laughed inappropriately throughout the movie, finding that their senses of humor were probably a little more cynical than a normal person's probably should be. That's when they realized that the tragedy from their individual lives could be the bridge between them. They could laugh at the fictional tragedy so easily because they understood real tragedy. They both understood that fiction was often ironically comical compared to reality.

Ellen made them more tea and they sat together still watching the fictional world presented to them until neither of them could keep their eyes open anymore. Lexa was given the spare bedroom and as Ellen was shutting the door after making sure her guest was settled she told Lexa, "When we're alone, maybe you could call me Alex."

Lexa nodded in the darkness and pulled the comforter further up her body. Alex closed the door and stood looking at it wondering if she was crazy. She knew better than to let someone she didn't know sleep in her house. She knew better than to trust some girl who was probably more troubled than she was.

But despite herself, Alex liked the younger woman. She liked her for daring to knock on her door in the middle of a thunderstorm with bag in hand. She liked her for not trying to tiptoe around knowing about her being in witness protection, and if she even liked the fact that Lexa never tried to show her pity or even sympathy. Lexa took Alex's circumstances as just another fact of a sometimes cruel and unapologetic life journey.

Deciding that trusting Lexa might be the best thing she could do for herself, she walked to her own bedroom and prepared to rest comfortably throughout what was left of the night.

Alex awoke to the smell of fresh coffee and bacon. She slid off the bed and made her way downstairs. Lexa was in the kitchen wearing a pair of low rise jeans that looked like they had seen better days and a tattered white t-shirt. She was barefoot and her right foot was tapping on the tiled floor to a beat that must have been in her own head.

Alex cleared her throat and withheld the smile that wanted to escape from her when Lexa jumped slightly. "I didn't mean to startle you."

"Don't worry about it." Lexa put down the spatula she was using to move around the eggs she had in the frying pan. She poured some coffee into a mug and then handed it over to Alex. "Here. You seem like the type that takes your coffee straight up. You know, like you're just too busy for the extras."

"Thanks," Alex accepted the cup and took a sip. She was pleasantly surprised to find that the coffee was actually really good, unlike the blander coffee she had in her kitchen cupboard. "Where did you find this?"

"I woke up early and went to the store," Lexa's attention went back to the food cooking on the stove. "Actually, I went to several stores. There's this coffee place that has all the imported good stuff. I use to go there all the time when I was younger. The guy who owns the place knew my mom. He keeps the good stuff for me for when I'm around. I went to some of the other local stores too that sell the organic foods and stuff. It's more expensive but I figure I can afford it since I'm trust fund privileged."

"You don't have to do all this," Alex said although she did enjoy not having to make food for herself for a change.

Lexa shrugged. "I was up. I had to do something."

Lexa finished preparing the food and Alex had the foresight to set the kitchen table. They ate mostly in silence, except for Alex's occasional praise of the food. When they were done, Lexa cleaned up with Alex's help then announced that she had some errands to run. She intentionally left out any specifics of what she might be doing and Alex refrained from asking for any. Instead, she took the time she was alone to do something she normally refrained from. She sat down at her computer and brought up the New York Times website. She read the news looking for any names that seemed familiar. She sat there for an hour until giving up her search and took a shower then prepared for her day full of going over paperwork for her job as an insurance adjuster.

When Lexa came back she found Alex asleep on the couch. She walked over to her new roommate and started organizing the papers that had fallen to the floor. She skimmed through a couple of the sheets of paper before she just started stacking them in a neat pile. "No wonder you fell asleep," she whispered, "this shit is boring." The organized papers went onto the coffee table along with the glasses that Lexa carefully removed from the tip of Alex's nose. She pulled a blanket across Alex's body then ran upstairs. She took a very brief shower and changed into clothes that didn't look like the worn clothes she had been wearing before.

Lexa went back downstairs and checked on Alex who was still sound asleep. She sat on a chair across from the couch and turned the television on but turned down the volume not wanting to wake Alex. She quickly flipped through the channels not really paying attention to anything that popped up on the screen. She settled on watching the Cartoon Network easily losing herself in the mindlessness of the images on the screen.

She sat watching the screen for an hour before she decided she was hungry enough to start making something for dinner. Lexa was unaccustomed to staying still for long periods of time. She didn't like not moving especially since when she was still things started to invade her mind. Recent and past memories would run through her head like a some sort of demented light show she couldn't turn off. It was much easier for her to keep the memories at bay if she kept herself busy. She just needed to concentrate on the chopping of the vegetables and force out the memory of looking at herself in the mirror the first time after she had been attacked or any of the other memories that wanted to gain her conscious attention.

"You must really like cooking."

Alex's voice startled Lexa and instead of cutting the tomato she cut herself. "Shit!" She looked down at her bleeding finger then hurried over to the sink and started running water over the cut.

"I didn't mean to startle you," Alex followed Lexa to the sink and grabbed the younger woman's cut thumb. "It doesn't look too deep."

"Still fucking hurts." Lexa moaned as the throbbing continued.

"I know, I'm sorry."

"I did this to myself. You don't have a reason to be sorry." Lexa pulled her hand out of Alex's grip. "Do you have any bandages?"

Alex nodded and hurried out of the kitchen to grab the first aid kit she kept in the downstairs bathroom. When she came back she dressed Lexa's cut and took over the chopping requirements for the rest of dinner preparation. They cooked together in silence, still neither willing nor wanting to talk about anything personal.

"Do you want wine with the pasta?" Lexa asked as she set the table. "I noticed you've got some already chilling in your fridge."

"Sure. The wineglasses are on the top shelf of the third cabinet to your left."

Lexa nodded then pulled out two glasses. She poured the wine then helped Alex lay out the food. They started eating in silence, after all conversation about the meal had run out. Alex started to study the face of the woman sitting across from her. Quickly she grew tired of the silence, "Are you even old enough to be drinking wine?" she asked.

Lexa finished swallowing the sip of wine she had just taken. "No. Technically I'm not even old enough to vote."

"How old are you?'

Lexa pushed the food that was left on her plate around with her fork. "Seventeen. I'll be eighteen in a couple of weeks."

"You aren't considered a runaway."

"No," Lexa shook her head.

"I don't understand, Lexa. If you have a trust fund and no one cares where you go then why did you come to me?"

"Do you want my honest answer?" the teenager asked as she stared down at the surface of the table.

"I would prefer that, yes."

Lexa lifted her gaze. "When you were staring out that window into my grandparents' estate you looked just as lonely as I felt."

Alex raised her brow in question. "That's what made you come here?"

Lexa started to run her finger over the rim of her wineglass. "Alex, all I have is places and people that I want to run from. I thought it might be different to try and run to someone else for a change."

"And you ran to me?" Alex asked incredulously. "What do you think I can offer you?"

"I don't know," Lexa looked down back at the table no longer able to look into Alex's intense blue eyes. "Understanding maybe? Tolerance? A chance?"

Alex took in a deep breath of air then slowly released it. "If you stay here then you have to finish school, and no more smoking or drinking."

Lexa leaned back in her chair and tried to gauge the seriousness of Alex's orders. "Okay. No more drinking and no more smoking, but you have to agree to stick with me as I go through my nicotine withdrawal."

"It's a deal."

Lexa smiled. "Good." She picked up her glass and downed the rest of the wine in it. "The deal starts now."


	2. Chapter 2

**These Days**

**Author**: JustAnotherPseudonym

**Disclaimer:** I do not own the rights to Law and Order: SVU nor am I seeking ownership. All original characters I'll take credit for. The Song Lexa sings is called "Lick It" by God-Des and She. I don't own that either.

**Rating:** M because I don't like dealing with ratings and I'm sure this story will rate an M eventually.

**Summary:** Alexandra Cabot is off in Witness Protection and discovers that life exists outside of New York. Femslash. Kind of.

Chapter 2

Alex threw the door open to her house, happy that she had finally made it home after a long day of sitting in a desk at a job she absolutely despised. She threw her briefcase to the floor by the coat rack then quickly kicked off her heels and took off her jacket.

As she walked further into the house, she could hear Lexa's stereo loudly playing some song that was unintelligible to her. She walked up the stairs and stopped outside of Lexa's door. She tried knocking but soon realized Lexa's music was playing too loudly for her to be heard. She opened the door and saw Lexa dancing in front of her stereo singing along with the lyrics of the song, _"Lick it, better lick it right Touch it, better touch it right Kiss it, better kiss it right Do that pussy right_" At the last line Lexa turned around and saw Alex staring at her from the doorway. Quickly she leapt for her stereo and pressed the power button. She nervously ran her hand through her hair a couple of times. "Alex, how was your day?"

"The usual," Alex answered casually. "So what was that you were listening to?"

"Just a song," Lexa couldn't decide whether she was more embarrassed with having been caught dancing like a moron or with the content of the song that had been playing.

Alex smirked. "Really?"

"No, not really," Lexa sighed out her defeat. "It's a song about how to gratify a woman sexually." Her face was turning noticeably red, which was unusual since her darker skin normally covered up her embarrassment. "I've got more like it if you're interested," she wagged her brows.

Alex didn't look amused. "You can keep them to yourself. I'm not in need of tutoring."

"Let me know if you change your mind." Choosing to give up being embarrassed Lexa hit the power button on her stereo again then pressed play. The song started to play again and Lexa once again began to dance.

"I'm going to go change," Alex turned around and shut the door to Lexa's room. She could hear Lexa starting to sing again as she walked away from the teenager's room and laughed softly at the teenager's antics.

The two had been living together for three months. They had become more comfortable with each other and even started to form some type of relationship with one another. For all intents and purposes, Alex was the 'parent' but Lexa wasn't going to start calling Alex mom any time soon. Alex did make sure that Lexa was taken care of, for the most part. She made sure Lexa went to school and did her work, despite Lexa's many complaints about the quality of the public schools. Lexa took care of Alex too, though. She cooked most of their meals and took care of a lot of the chores around the house. She had even persuaded Alex to tell her about life in New York before witness protection had taken her away. She was fascinated with the work Alex had done before and was even more fascinated with the people she had interacted with everyday. Lexa wanted to know everything that there was to know about the law and the New York Police Department.

At first, Alex didn't want to tell Lexa anything. She was so used to not talking about herself that it was hard to start acting like Alexandra Cabot again. Lexa had been patient and didn't push to know anything. When Alex didn't want to share, Lexa would start talking about herself instead. She told Alex about how she found her mother with her wrists cut on the bathroom floor when she was six. She talked about how it was living with her grandparents who decided that sending a young Alexandra Hodges away for school would be easier for everyone involved instead of keeping her around and acting like actual grandparents. Lexa even admitted that she had seen Alex at one of the societal functions Alex's mother had held a long time ago. Lexa was there to represent the Hodges and their donations, but mostly hung out in the kitchen with the catering staff and left the party early with another friend who didn't feel the need to stay around. She told Alex that the Hodges had lost a lot of their fortune in recent years due to bad investments and a dip in Hodges Electronics stocks since they were found to be involved with that company in Houston Texas that went under.

Alex heard Lexa's stereo turn off from her bedroom. "I'm leaving and I'll be back later tonight." Lexa yelled down the hall towards Alex's bedroom.

Quickly Alex put on her t-shirt and opened her bedroom door. "Where are you going?"

Lexa finished shrugging on her brown waxy leather jacket. "I've got a thing."

Alex crossed her arms in front of her. "What thing?"

"You probably don't want to know." Lexa connected her chain wallet to her jeans.

"I asked so obviously I care."

"You're a very logical, rational thinking person, you know. You like outline things in your head."

"Where are you going, Alexandra?" Using Lexa's full name still made Alex feel awkward she often felt like she was yelling at herself.

"I'm going to one of the very few gay bars in this godforsaken piece of wasteland to rehearse with the band that thought I might be good enough to join them." Lexa stared down at her boots as she answered. "So can I go now?"

"You're going to a bar alone, at eighteen?"

Lexa raised her head with a smirk on her face. "Did you want to come?"

Knowing that she really didn't have the authority to stop Lexa and since she was caught between wanting the teenager to be safe and a more than mild curiosity of what kind of band Lexa was hoping to join she gave the only logical answer she could. "Let me finish getting dressed."

It had been a long time since Alex had bothered to go out to a bar, especially a gay bar. She didn't even know that any existed near her. "You related to Lexa?" The bartender asked pointing to the band setting up on stage.

Alex turned to look at the woman talking to her. "We're friends."

The bartender raised her eyebrow and a smirk covered her face. "Lexa's a lucky girl then. When the rest find out she's taken there are going to be a lot of broken hearts."

"What?" Alex started coughing on her own spit. "She's not my girlfriend. She's just a kid."

The bartender was smiling. "She doesn't look like any 'kid' I've ever seen before. Maybe you should rethink your relationship."

"What relationship?" Lexa asked suddenly appearing behind Alex. She reached around her roommate and snagged the glass sitting in front of the blonde. She took a sip, knowing that Alex wasn't one to drink alcohol outside of the house, being too afraid to lose control and admit something she wasn't supposed to admit.

"You and your friend Alex here, Lexa," The bartender provided.

Lexa's eyes widened and she choked on the liquid in her mouth. When she cleared her throat she slapped at the bartender's shoulder. "Fucking disgusting, Natalie. She's like my fucking sister." Lexa quickly turned to Alex. "Not that I don't think you're attractive or anything, because you are, attractive I mean. I just wouldn't want to…you're just a little too…"

"It's okay," Alex put her hand on Lexa's arm. "If it's any consolation I feel the same way."

"Cool," Lexa turned back to Natalie. "You need to stop watching all those soap operas during the day. Get a second job or something." Lexa's body shuddered. "Ew. You've got the image stuck in my head now." Lexa pushed herself away from the bar and shook her body once before walking back to the stage. Both Alex and Natalie watched Lexa jump back up on the stage then turned back to face each other.

"I'm worried about her," Natalie said softly as she picked up a glass and started to wipe it with the white towel she had slung over her shoulder. "A year ago Lexa would come in here and would surround herself with any woman who caught her eye. Now she acts shy and no one's talking about any of her exploits anymore." She set down the glass and then put her hands flat on top of the surface of the bar. "When she walked in with you, I was kind of hoping part of her old self was making an appearance. I didn't honestly mean to offend either one of you."

Alex nodded her understanding. "You didn't offend me."

"She's had a tough time of things, as I'm sure you already know. I just want her to be happy."

Their conversation was quickly ended by the band starting their sound checks. Natalie stood leaning on the bar for another couple of moments before she sighed and pushed herself away. She had to finish getting the bar ready for the crowd that would be crowding into the small space.

Alex sat and watched the band go through a couple of songs and was pleasantly surprised to discover that at the end of the night she could Lexa that the band sounded good without having to lie. Slowly the bar started to fill with people and after a couple of hours of playing the band took a break. As Lexa made her way off the stage Alex could see women offering to buy the underage teenager drinks. An irrational protective anger inundated her body and flashbacks of the faces of people she used to send to jail for what they did to underage teenagers ran through her head. She jumped out of her seat and grabbed onto Lexa's arm as the teenager managed to refuse the offer of another drink. She allowed Alex to pull her to the bar and didn't quite manage to hold her tongue when the blonde positioned herself so that the enthusiastic crowd couldn't view her body. "I didn't know I got a bodyguard."

"When are you done for the night?" Alex's eyes washed over the crowd making sure that everyone understood Lexa was off limits.

"Midnight, I think. I didn't ask since I didn't know I was actually going to be the lead singer tonight." Lexa motioned to the busy Natalie to bring her a bottle of water. She then turned back around and put her right hand on Alex's rigid back. "Why so…guard dog-esque all the sudden?"

"You shouldn't be hanging out here, Lexa."

Lexa narrowed her eyes and looked knowingly at her friend. "You really are like an older sister, you know. At least you're what I imagine an older sister would be like that shares absolutely no resemblance to me." Natalie tapped her shoulder with a cold plastic bottle and Lexa turned to take the bottle from the bartender. She twisted off the cap then took a long drink. When she turned back to Alex, the blonde was still standing protectively at her back. "Thanks for caring." She handed the bottle over then made her way back to the stage.

When the band started playing again, a woman came up to Alex. She leaned her back against the bar and watched Alex as she watched Lexa perform. "It's about time someone around here realized Lexa isn't as grown up as she likes everyone else to think."

Alex tore her eyes away from the stage to quickly examine the woman leaning next to her. She wasn't impressed with what she saw. "Who are you?"

The woman laughed softly at Alex's rudeness. "Ayn. I'm the owner."

"You let kids in your bar," Alex accused.

"It's more of an activity center and less a bar." Ayn's voice belied her amusement. "Tonight it's a bar but on other days it's just a place a bunch of disheartened and disfranchised people can come together for support. Every Wednesday evening we offer a self-defense class. Every Saturday we're a game room where the younger people of our GLBT community can get together and be themselves for a change. Lexa helped organize most of our community functions, gave us a lot of funding for them too. She's done so much for us and has been so strong for us that sometimes I think everyone forgets how old she really is."

Ayn had Alex's full attention. "You're not just using her for her money are you?"

Ayn laughed. "You're very blunt, Ellen."

"Are you using her?" Alex asked again.

"No," Ayn shook her head. "I didn't even know she was the one funding us until I got my head out of my ass and realized she's a damn Hodges. She doesn't look anything like the rest of 'em. That's a damn good thing too or else I'm sure there's plenty who would try and take advantage. Though, I don't think they'd get too far into her pockets before you kicked them out on their head."

Alex nodded, for the moment satisfied with Ayn's response, then turned her attention back to the stage. Lexa was singing yet another song that Alex failed to recognize. She made a mental note to ask Lexa to make her a disc of all the songs she had sung.


	3. Chapter 3

**All Disclaimers are in previous chapters. **

Chapter 3

"We're going to successfully bake cookies from scratch," Lexa promised as she tried to wipe flour from her forehead but only succeeded in spreading it down her cheek. "Throwing cookie dough and flour at me will not help us accomplish this goal, Alex. I'm only going to ask you one more time to focus."

Alex burst out laughing again as she saw the grin pass through Lexa's attempt at stoicism. Lexa's body was covered in the various ingredients required to make chocolate chip cookies, minus the required eggs. Lexa had managed to throw the eggs onto Alex before Alex got a hold of them.

"It's not funny." Lexa suppressed her laughter. "I think there are chocolate chips that have somehow made it into my private areas."

Alex laughed harder. The doorbell rang and for some reason even that amused Alex further, she held onto her stomach gasping for air. Lexa shook her head, "Obviously I guess I'm the one that's going to have to get that." She threw a flour and dough covered towel at Alex's head then ran out of the kitchen and hurried to open the front door. She was laughing as she swung the door open and stopped immediately when she saw a woman she didn't know standing on the other side looking like she was about to tell someone that their favorite rich uncle had died.

Lexa cleared her throat. "Hello? Can I help you?"

"I'm looking for Ellen Neal."

Lexa ran a dirty hand through her hair, managing to spread the flour and dough some more. "This is her residence. Did Ellen's favorite uncle die or better yet did my uncle die?"

"Who's at the door?" Alex called from the kitchen doing her best to wipe some of the bigger food chunks off her body.

"My name's Olivia Benson," the woman answered. "I don't know who your uncle is."

Lexa's eyes widened. "Oh. You should probably come in then." She stepped to the side so that Olivia could enter the house then closed the door softly behind her. "Please sit down."

Alex came out of the kitchen with a smile on her face that quickly fell when she realized who it was now standing in her living room. "Olivia? What's wrong?"

Olivia moved closer to Alex. "Nothing's wrong." She looked over her shoulder to Lexa who was doing a rather decent impression of a door fixture.

Alex followed Olivia's gaze. "Lexa do you mind…"

Lexa covered her heart with her hand. "I mind a lot," she sighed heavily, "but I'll disappear anyway. I'm going to take a shower. Take all the time you need." Lexa ran her hand over Alex's arm as she passed by, a gesture Olivia didn't fail to notice.

Both Alex and Olivia's gazes followed the girl as she ran up the stairs before they turned back to each other. "What's going on?" Alex asked.

"He's dead, Alex. It's over."

Alex nodded a couple of times then blinked absently. She shuffled on her feet; doing a ritual that Lexa had long ago termed her 'Nervous Shuffle'. As soon as she realized what she was doing she stopped. She didn't want to act this way in front of Olivia. She thought it would make her look too different in the Detectives eyes, more like the Ellen she pretended to be instead of the Alex she wanted to be. "So what happens now?"

"That's up to you. You're free to come back to New York, if that's what you want or you can stay here and continue being…Ellen Neal."

"You mean I can continue being someone I'm not."

"It's whatever you decide."

"I need to talk to Lexa before I decide anything."

Olivia nodded her understanding even though she really didn't understand at all. She didn't know who Lexa was or what the teenager meant to Alex. She didn't know anything about Alex anymore.

Lexa came running down the stairs. Her hair was wet and she flung droplets of water on the stairs and she ran. She stopped next to Alex and looked at her friend expectantly. "The guy who tried to have me killed is dead," Alex said softly. "Olivia came to tell me."

Lexa smiled and wrapped her arms around Alex's waist. She picked the taller woman up and swung her around. "Congratulations!" she yelled. "You're an Alexandra again." Alex couldn't help but laugh at Lexa's enthusiasm. "We can finally get those matching jackets that say: Alexandra and Alexandra best friends 4ever." She joked, doing her best to draw Alex out of the mood that had suddenly fallen on her roommate. When she was satisfied Alex's smile was genuine enough, the teenager lowered Alex back to the ground unconcerned that her clean clothes had just been soiled by the remnants of food stuffs on Alex's body. "You need a shower," Lexa announced as way to give Alex a little time to herself. "We'll wait for you to be presentable again." Alex stared at Olivia for a brief moment before she ran up the stairs to her room. Lexa turned to Olivia and looked the taller woman up and down. "You're taller than I imagined." She said with her hands on her hips.

"Alex told you about me?" Olivia asked trying to keep her disapproval out of her voice.

"What can I say?" Lexa shrugged. "You show up on someone's doorstep like a lost puppy and eventually they end up telling you their secrets." She winked then turned around and headed towards the kitchen. "You should take off your jacket, Detective. I've got work for you in the kitchen," She called over her shoulder not bothering to look long enough to see if Olivia was going to follow her. She went to one of the closets in the kitchen and pulled out a vacuum and a mop.

"You want me to help you clean?" Olivia asked slightly off kilter from having seen Alex, an Alex she didn't fully recognize, and being forced to be alone with this woman she still hadn't been formerly introduced to.

"Yeah," Lexa drew out the word. "I don't want to do it by myself and if you're the friend that Alex says you are then you'll help because you're just that kind of person." She smiled widely and held out the mop to Olivia. After a moment's hesitation Olivia took it making Lexa's smile even broader.

They were almost done with cleaning the kitchen when Alex finally decided to come back downstairs. She was surprised at the progress they had made but not entirely surprised that Lexa had enlisted Olivia's help. "You didn't have to do this." She announced to them both. "You should at least have let me help."

"Next time," Lexa replied, internally realizing that there may actually not be a next time. Alex could decide to go back to New York and that would mean that they wouldn't be living in the same house or even the same state. Sure there could be regular visits but she was sure that those would eventually taper off until they only communicated through impersonal Christmas cards. "I think I should leave." She announced confidently. "There's probably a lot of stuff that needs to be said not in front of me."

"You don't have to go," Alex offered. "I don't want to kick you out of the house."

Lexa smirked. "Who's kicking me out? I'm offering to give you some time alone. I'll just go over and bother Ayn. We can reminisce about old times and sing duets about love lost."

"Be careful," Alex warned as Lexa started to exit the kitchen. "Call if you're going to be late."

"Aye, Captain." Lexa sarcastically replied and jumped out of the way as Alex attempted to slap her on the stomach with the back of her hand.

"She's an interesting person." Olivia said after she had heard the front door open and close.

"Yeah," Alex cleared her throat. "She's probably the only thing that has kept me sane."

"That's good. I'm happy." Olivia tried to sound happy for her but couldn't quite push down the selfish sadness she felt at realizing that Alex had a life away from New York that seemed to make her happy. "She said something about coming to your doorstep like a puppy?"

Alex smiled at the memory. "I used to date her uncle, or rather I went on one date with him to his family's Holiday party. Two weeks later she shows up at my doorstep drenched from the freezing rain with a bag slung over her shoulder asking me if she could stay."

"You said yes? That's really dangerous."

"You're right. It is." Alex replied simply. "But I don't regret it. She calls me, Alex. She let me talk about things that happened in New York. Olivia, she kept Alex alive."

"Then I guess we should all thank her."

Silence fell between them and Olivia began to fill it with the sounds of cleaning again. Alex picked up where Lexa left off and slowly they finished cleaning up the mess Alex and Lexa had made on the first attempt to make freshly baked chocolate chip cookies. The former ADA smiled at the recent memories of Lexa diving behind the kitchen island in an effort to avoid being hit with chocolate chips. Eventually she thought of to ask Olivia how everyone else in New York was doing. She briefly felt bad about waiting so long to think of asking, but gave herself a break when she realized that her mind had excusably been preoccupied.

They kept the conversation light between them. They were interrupted from talking about the weather when the phone began ringing. Alex, with mild thanks at the interruption, answered it surprised when Ayn's voice came through the other end. She said that Lexa had been involved in a 'scuffle' and was taken to the hospital. Alex had barely managed to hang up the phone before she was sprinting out of the house. Olivia drove them to the hospital, having fought Alex for the keys. The emergency room staff told them they'd ask Alexandra if she wanted any visitors.

When Alex was let into Lexa's room she ran over to the bed and examined Lexa's body first with her eyes then with her hands. "What happened?"

"I think I have a bruised rib," Lexa reported proudly.

"Alexandra," Alex wasn't in the mood for Lexa's normal blasé attitude. "What happened?"

Lexa's gray eyes flickered quickly over to Olivia then back to Alex. "I think I won."

"What happened?" Alex asked a third time, no less worried than when she asked the first.

"The guys probably look worse than I do," Lexa lamely offered.

"What guys?"

Lexa's eyes once again met Olivia's form then turned away. Finally noticing Lexa's unease at talking in front of the Detective she asked Olivia to step outside. "Tell me what happened." Alex asked again once Olivia had stepped outside.

"Some guys that were harassing Katlynn followed her to the center. When I saw them there I asked them to leave, they told me to go to Hell, I asked them again to leave, they told me to go fuck myself, so then I told them I would call the police and things deteriorated from there. One of them tried to grab Katlynn and I stopped him. Next thing I know I'm fighting off three guys waiting for Katlynn to come back with help."

"Ayn didn't call the police?"

"She did," Lexa began to sigh but quickly stopped when she felt the spike of pain from her ribs. "If I tell you the guys who did this are in the hospital too you're not going to seek them out and hurt them are you?"

"That depends on what they did to you." Alex replied seriously.

"A few kicks and a few punches." Lexa's eyes dropped to her lap. "I really do think I hurt them worse." She swiped at the hair falling in front of her right eye. "I don't want to feel weak again. I didn't want them to make me feel weak again."

The doctor walked into the room and immediately began speaking. He said he was going to release Lexa but that she should be careful with the rib that had been bruised. She didn't need stitches, none of her cuts were deep enough, and that she should take it easy for the next week and come back in if she felt worse. He signed some paperwork then tore off a copy of whatever he had written and handed it over. "By the way," he mentioned on his way out, "your grandparents have shown up. They're in the lobby so we'll arrange for you to exit through the back. And good work with those boys, Alexandra, they certainly do deserve their hypothetical concussions, broken ankle, and broken wrist. Be careful, young lady." The doctor didn't wait for a reply. He walked out of the room his thoughts already preoccupied with his next patient's prognosis.

"See," Lexa was smiling proudly, "I hurt them worse. I'm a badass."

Alex didn't respond. She only shook her head and left the room to find Olivia and tell her they could leave.

Olivia drove them home and even helped get Lexa upstairs and settled into her room. Alex shared with her the details of what had happened with Lexa. As Olivia listened to Alex's voice as she talked about Lexa's encounter she realized that she couldn't ask Alex to come back to New York with her. It wouldn't be fair to Lexa and it wouldn't be fair to Alex either. Alex had a life here, in this place. She had someone she cared for tremendously.

"I'm going to go to my hotel," Olivia said softly as soon as the awkward silence between her and Alex reappeared. "Call me if you need anything."

"Please stay?" Alex whispered.

Olivia turned and looked at Alex and for the first time since she had arrived on Alex's stoop, she actually saw Alex. She couldn't help but wrap her arms around Alex's body and pull her into a firm embrace. "Of course I'll stay."

Tears started to fall down Alex's face and she didn't even try to wipe any of them away. "I'm glad you're here. I'm sorry if I didn't say that before."

"It's okay," Olivia tightened her hold. "You've been busy."

"I've missed you," Alex hiccupped and grabbed hold of Olivia's shirt bunching the fabric in her grip. "And I do want to go home, but…Lexa."

Olivia gently kissed Alex's forehead. "Shh. It's okay, sweetie. It's going to be fine."


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimers is chapter one**

**Chapter 4**

Lexa gingerly made her way down the stairs doing her best to choose a gait that hurt her ribs the least. Once she reached the bottom, she leaned against the banister and gathered her energy for the short walk to the kitchen. If she knew that her ribs were going to be this sore from moving, then she would have stayed in bed like Alex had advised her to do the night before, but now that she was up she was committed to staying that way. She hadn't completely re-gathered herself before Olivia came out of the kitchen with two coffee mugs in hand.

"I'm guessing neither of those are for me?" Lexa asked with a smile as she pushed herself off of the banister, not willing to show the amount of pain she was in to the practical stranger standing in front of her.

Olivia stopped and looked down at the mugs in her hands. "You can have one if you want." She offered, not quite picking up on Lexa's teasing tone.

Lexa chuckled softly and waved the mug away from her. "Don't worry about it. You actually stole my idea, though. I thought I'd cook Alex's favorite breakfast as a sort of apology for stressing her out so much yesterday."

"What happened wasn't your fault, Lexa." Olivia's voice was full of compassion and conviction that was usually present when she talked to a victim.

The tone she used was one Lexa had heard before. It wasn't one she enjoyed hearing very much and was one Alex had intentionally refrained from using as they brought the teenager back home. Alex had the privilege of actually knowing Lexa, a privilege Olivia had yet to be given and so therefore didn't completely understand that treating Lexa in any way like a victim was one of the biggest mistakes a person could make with her, but since Olivia was a friend of Alex's, Lexa was going to let the detective get away with her faux pas this time.

"Alex is still my friend, though. I just want to do something to make her feel better."

Olivia nodded her understanding, although she didn't quite understand Lexa's emotions towards the former ADA. She wasn't entirely comfortable being alone with Lexa, unsure of how the younger woman perceived her sudden presence and knowing that Lexa probably had a great influence on Alex's current life. "I should get back upstairs," Olivia motioned towards the stairs.

Lexa kept the friendly smile on her face and stepped a bit away from the staircase, but chose not to say anything. She could easily tell that the detective wasn't comfortable being alone with her and didn't want to keep the woman near her for any longer than necessary. She watched as Olivia passed by her and quickly headed up the stairs. She did her best to keep her eyes from focusing on Olivia's backside and instead turned her attention to the entrance to the kitchen.

Feeling that her strength had once again returned enough for her to move again, Lexa walked to the kitchen and started pulling things out of the refrigerator. When she was out of breath from the simple movements she quickly decided that cooking Alex a big meal would be out of the question and silently cursed Olivia for stealing the easier action of making coffee.

Meanwhile, upstairs Alex was sitting up in bed as Olivia knocked on the door then entered the bedroom. Olivia handed over the extra cup of coffee and Alex accepted it with an awkward smile.

Neither of them had gotten a lot of sleep the night before, mostly for the same reasons. Once Alex was done sobbing, they separated and Alex went up to her bedroom while Olivia had tried to make a comfortable bed out of the couch. They hadn't talked much and no decisions about the immediate future had been made, but they had both felt better from having at least seen each other.

"I ran into Lexa downstairs," Olivia said as she took a seat on the edge of Alex's bed. "She looks better than she did last night."

"Hmm," Alex took a careful sip of her coffee. "She heals quickly."

Olivia nodded absently. "So how are you doing?"

Alex sighed deeply and sat her cup on the nightstand next to her. "Still a little shell-shocked by everything." She saw no reason to lie about the way she felt. Olivia had always been a good person to talk to before, she saw no reason why that would have suddenly changed during their forced time apart.

"That's understandable."

Before their conversation could go any further they heard Lexa yelling from downstairs and both jumped up to rush and see if Lexa was okay. When they entered the kitchen Lexa was leaning against the counter her breath coming out in short gasps.

"What happened?" Alex asked as she approached Lexa and placed a gentle hand on the younger woman's arm.

Lexa's gray eyes looked disdainfully at the open cupboard's high shelf. "Your need for order nearly killed me." She said as she pushed away from the counter and stood weakly on her own.

"What?" Alex asked as she wrapped her arm around Lexa's waist.

"I was going to surprise you with a lovely meal of cereal with milk, but your insistence at kitchenly order has done me in."

Alex finally smiled as she realized what Lexa was suddenly so annoyed with. It was an argument they had been having since they had moved in together. Alex was a firm believer that everything in the kitchen should have an exact place and in an effort to annoy her roommate, Lexa would hide away Alex's favorite cereal in an effort to get the former ADA to lighten up a little on her orderliness.

The previous day, Lexa had put the box of cereal on the highest shelf in the cupboard instead of the second shelf that Alex kept the other cereal boxes on. The place she had chosen before that had been on the refrigerator. She told Alex that she was going to keep moving the cereal box until Alex realized that it wasn't so important to always keep everything in the same place.

Since her rib was bruised, however, Lexa now wished she had kept the cereal on the second shelf like Alex insisted.

Instead of making fun of Lexa creating her own troubles, Alex asked why Lexa was trying to surprise her with a meal at all. "You should be resting," she gently chided. "You heard the doctor."

Lexa rolled her eyes at Alex's scolding. "What are doctors except for common people that practice medicine? Do they really know anything?"

Alex gently poked Lexa in the ribs and caught the younger woman as she nearly fell to the floor as she screamed out her pain. Once she had caught her breath, yet again, Lexa turned her attention to Olivia and playfully insisted that the detective arrest Alex for assault.

"I'm afraid I agree with Alex, Lexa. You should rest. Earlier I didn't realize you were in so much pain."

"Fine then." Lexa pulled out of Alex's grip and found a counter to lean on. "Then you'll both have to just make your own cereal."

Alex smiled. "I'm sure we'll manage."

"Okay," Lexa said through a breath. "Then take me to the couch because there's no way I'm making it back up those stairs."

Olivia watched as Alex helped Lexa out of the kitchen and there was a piece of her that envied the entire scene that had played out in front of her. She envied Lexa the attention Alex had bestowed on her and envied the fact that the both of them were so close that they had inside jokes and games that she couldn't possibly have been a part of. Most of all, she envied Lexa for being able to make Alex smile so much despite everything that had been going on.

Selfishly, she wanted to be the one that comforted Alex. She wanted to be there for her friend who was torn away from her in such a brutal set of circumstances not just once, but twice. She had so many ideas of how things would be once they were able to be together again in New York.

There was so much that Olivia had been wanting to say and do that now she wasn't so sure she'd be able to. Things were a lot different now. Alex's life wasn't the empty one she had described upon her brief return to testify against the man who had shot her. Alex's life was better now and although she had said she wanted to return to New York, that really didn't mean anything if Lexa wasn't willing to follow along.

When Alex returned to the kitchen she was still smiling and Olivia smiled in response. She then realized that there was just one more thing she envied: Alex's ability to find a happiness that had cleverly eluded Olivia for the last couple of years, and that she talked herself into believing Alex had taken with her when she had been forced to leave.

"Is she still in a lot of pain?" Olivia asked genuinely concerned for Lexa's well-being.

"She pretends not to be." Alex answered lightly as she moved around the kitchen and began making the breakfast Lexa had originally intended to make on her own.

"She's lucky to have you." Olivia offered, trying to keep her tone light.

"I don't know," Alex gave a half shrug. "I think we're lucky to have each other." Her attention turned to Olivia. "And I think you showing up on my doorstep yesterday probably makes me the luckiest woman alive."

Alex's comment was a little more revealing than Olivia was used to hearing from the former ADA, but she was grateful to hear it. More grateful than Alex understood, but Alex's words didn't change any of the facts as they were now. Things had changed. Alex had changed. "Why don't you go in the living room with Lexa," Olivia walked up to Alex and gently took the frying pan from the other woman's hand. "I can take care of breakfast."

"Are you sure?" Alex asked half-heartedly as she let Olivia take over.

"Of course," Olivia nodded. "It's probably best you go talk to her anyway. She's been through a lot."

This time it was Alex's turn to nod. "I know, but I don't want to crowd her too much. She hates being treated like a victim, Liv. If she wants to talk then part of me has to trust that she'll come to me when she wants."

"You may not talk, but that doesn't mean you can't spend some time with her." Olivia turned on the front burner to the stove and actually began making the long talked about breakfast. "She told me earlier that she was your friend, so just spend time with her as her friend."

Alex walked up to Olivia and put a gentle hand on the detective's back. "Thank you." She said sincerely. "I know there's still so much that we need to talk about, so thanks for just giving me this time and not pushing anything."

Olivia smiled weakly. "We'll talk later."

Not knowing what else to say, and not wanting to get into a conversation she couldn't finish, Alex pulled away from Olivia and walked out of the kitchen. She approached Lexa on the couch and looked down at the teenager who had become like a little sister to her. As the days had passed between them, she became more and more bewildered how Lexa's family could push her away like they did.

Sure, sometimes Lexa was a little rough around the edges. She tended to curse a lot and didn't quite seem to fully understand the concept of underage drinking, but Alex mostly assumed that Lexa's rough edges were mostly just a result of Lexa just trying to keep a barrier between herself and others.

"I know I'm beautiful, Alex, but I'm not going anywhere so you don't have to stare so hard." Lexa shifted on the couch so that she could see Alex's face clearly. "Besides, I thought you were going to make me breakfast."

"Olivia took over the job." Alex admitted and took a seat on the couch next to Alex's feet.

Lexa gave her a half nod. "So what's going on with everything?" She asked hesitantly. "We didn't really get a chance to talk about anything yesterday."

"Right now," Alex released a long sigh, "nothing is going on."

"You should have started packing your bags yesterday, Alex." Lexa tried to sit up a little so that she could get a better look at Alex, but gave up on the movement once her ribs let her know just how much pain they were in again. "You know you want to go back and give yourself a chance to work things out with your detective."

"Are you coming back with me?"

Lexa scratched at the back of her neck, "Well," she drew out the word, "New York really isn't anywhere I want to go back to just yet. This place is my home, kind of like New York is yours."

"So you don't mind if I just leave?" Alex asked skeptically.

"I'll miss being around you but it's not like we're never going to talk to each other again. There are those little inventions such as email and the phone that can help us keep in touch. All you need to do is cosign on the apartment I try to get and we'll be cool."

"Cosign?"

Lexa rolled her eyes. "Well I'm not keeping up with the house, and while I have excellent credit there's no way an eighteen year old is getting an apartment without a cosigner. You know teens can't be trusted these days."

Alex wiped at her eyes even though there were no tears that had yet appeared. "I don't want to leave you, Lexa."

"This isn't about leaving anybody. It's about dealing with the shit that needs dealing with. I'll go to New York to see you and you can come back to this little town that barely has a place on the map to see me every once and a while."

Before Alex could say anything else, Olivia came out of the kitchen announcing that making breakfast had finally been accomplished and instead of calling them back into the kitchen she brought plates full of food out to them. The action earned a truly grateful smile from Lexa, since the teenager had no desire to stand back up and also had no desire to continue her conversation with Alex.

Lexa wasn't too sure that Alex understood that she was trying to be the bigger person here. She wanted Alex to get a chance to have her life back and to get a chance to figure out why it was exactly Olivia had taken it upon herself to fly out to the boondocks to bring Alex back to New York.

She wasn't exactly joking when she pointed out to Alex that they each had their own stuff to take care of. Unfortunately, their stuff just happened to be on complete opposite ends of the country. Besides, Lexa really didn't want to go back to New York anytime soon. She still wanted to stay far away from the city and the experiences she had there.


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimers in Chapter One**

**Chapter 5 **

It didn't take long for Alex to settle her affairs so that she could return to New York. What took the longest time, was finding an apartment that Lexa had the fewest objections to. Alex never knew that Lexa could be so picky about her living arrangements since Lexa had not really complained about the house they shared. When she asked Lexa about it, Lexa had only responded that she was a Hodges and Hodges only settled for the best, and failed to mention that she had a hard time imagining herself living in any place that Alex didn't live in as well.

Lexa suspected that if she kept stalling about the apartment that eventually Alex would start asking more questions or just catch onto the real reason Lexa felt the need to hide. She didn't want Alex feeling bad about reclaiming her life in New York. She was happy for her friend, just not so happy for herself. She wanted Alex to be happy and suspected that the former ADA could only accomplish that once she settled her life in New York again, and rejoined her detective friend who had already made the return trip to New York and was eagerly awaiting Alex's arrival.

Alex had more than once offered to take Lexa with her, always hoping that the younger woman's answer would change into the 'yes' she wanted to hear instead of the 'no' she kept on getting. She wanted to push Lexa into changing her mind, but knew that pushing Lexa into anything was close to impossible if Lexa wasn't already willing to be pushed.

So instead of further pressing the issue, Alex cosigned Lexa's apartment lease and offered her the furniture from the house so that the new apartment could be properly furnished, even if the federal government did technically own most of the items. Again, Lexa refused Alex stating that she wanted to build a new start for herself where the things she owned adhered to her hip style and taste instead of the blandness that was Alex's.

Again, Lexa failed to tell Alex the complete truth. She refused the furnishings from the house because she needed a clean start so that she wouldn't sink into a depression after Alex left. Lexa reminded herself that she was supposed to be the stoic one in all this, so chose to use jokes to cover up her internal pain. It hadn't been the first time she had done it and she was positive that it wouldn't end up being her last.

Lexa had told Alex that she would visit New York, but she knew she wouldn't, at least not anytime soon. She didn't want to go to New York and walk down the same streets that she had nightmares about. For some reason, Lexa almost felt like she was breaking up with Alex, but she didn't have the guts to say it out loud, but instead drifted further and further away hoping that Alex would catch on and would save Lexa the actual pain of having to say the words.

It was childish, but Lexa figured that she had been mature enough in life so far, that acting like a child, for once, wouldn't be such a bad thing. But, since it was Alex's last night in the small town she had called home for a little over a year, Lexa was intent on acting as mature as she possibly could. She didn't want Alex's last night with her to be full of bad memories and pain; they both already had enough of those kinds of memories haunting them.

"I thought you said your apartment was fully furnished?" Alex asked the younger woman as they sat down on the floor and shared a medium sized half pepperoni half vegetarian pizza.

Lexa gave a faux confused look, "What are you talking about?" She pointed at the flat panel television that was on the wall in front of them. "I've got furnishings."

Alex nodded towards the television. "Is that what you spent all your money on?"

"No," Lexa took a bite from her pizza slice. "I've got a queen-sized bed too."

Alex playfully ran her eyes over Lexa's petite form. "Why do you need a bed that big?"

"Entertaining the ladies," Lexa winked, happy that so far they hadn't fallen into a serious conversation about it being their last night together, or about the trip Alex was taking to the airport in the morning. Lexa had offered to take her, but Alex reminded the younger woman that Lexa didn't have a car and that her luggage wouldn't fit on the motorcycle Lexa had bought for herself despite Alex's vehement protests.

"Keep it together while I'm gone okay," Alex tried to say as casually as she possibly could while she held tightly onto her beer bottle, intent on not starting an argument by asking Lexa how she had procured the alcohol for them in the first place.

Lexa started to fiddle with her own beer bottle. "You know me, Alex, I'm a survivor."

Despite the uncertainties that plagued her, Alex smiled weakly at her friend, "I know you are, Alexandra."

The younger woman forced her gray eyes up on the face that had been looking down at her. "We both are, Alex."

They awkwardly stared at each other for a few moments until Lexa started to fidget around uncomfortably from having sat still so long. Recognizing, Lexa's uncomfortable restless movements for what they were, Alex softly smiled at the younger woman then stood up to go to the kitchen to get another beer.

Lexa watched Alex leave and cursed at herself for acting so stupid. She jumped to her feet and walked to the bathroom, making sure to lock the door. She turned on the faucet, and then bent down and brushed the cold water against her face, hoping that it would somehow help her keep things together for a few more hours until they decided to go to sleep.

"I'm stronger than this," She told her reflection. "I'm a goddamned fucking Hodges. Pull your shit together and start fucking acting like it." She reached down and turned off the running water, then reached for a towel to wipe her face dry, not really wanting to know whether or not her own tears had managed to seep into the water she had put there.

When she walked back into the living room, Alex was waiting for her, inwardly knowing that something was wrong but not wanting to say anything. "I brought you another beer," she held out the bottle to Lexa. "So, don't say that I'm always a tight ass."

Lexa grabbed for the bottle and immediately drank a good portion of it before she sat back down next to Alex and muttered a slightly muted, "Thanks".

Alex sipped from her bottle, doing her best to not say anything to Lexa who had resumed her uneasy squirming, although at a lesser degree.

"So what are your big plans when you get back?" Lexa asked as she peeled the label off of her beer bottle.

Unconsciously, Alex mimicked Lexa's actions. "I'm not sure. I suppose the first thing I'll have to do is find a job."

The younger woman's fidgeting stopped. "You don't have a job yet?"

Alex kept her attention on her beer bottle. "I've had offers, but I'm not sure what I want to do. I'm not sure what my life is going to be like when I go back," she sighed. "So many things are different." She looked up into Lexa's gray eyes. "I've changed, Lexa. They've changed."

Seeing Alex's insecurity allowed Lexa to push her own emotion away. It was easier to focus on Alex instead of focusing on herself. She often preferred things that way, since she abhorred the idea of focusing on her own problems and inner turmoil. Lexa put down her beer bottle and moved closer to her friend. She took Alex's hand in her own, "I'd be way scared too if I was going back, but you're going to make it, Alex."

Alex chuckled disbelievingly, "You really think so?"

"Hey," Lexa grinned, "would your best friend forever lie to you?"

"No," Alex shook her head, "wouldn't lie, but you don't always tell the full truth either."

Lexa tried to pull away from Alex having realized that her reuse for the last few weeks hadn't been as successful as she had hoped, but Alex refused to let her pull away. "You don't have to protect me from knowing you're unhappy I'm leaving, Lexa. I'd be disappointed if you weren't a little upset."

"I'm happy for you," Lexa replied.

"I didn't say you weren't."

Knowing that she couldn't push this conversation any further, without Lexa trying to run from it, Alex pulled Lexa closer to her body and held the younger woman in her arms. She couldn't help but remember the second time she had seen the Hodges woman at her doorstep in the freezing rain asking for a place to stay. "Come with me?" She asked Lexa one final time, hoping that if she held Lexa just a little bit tighter that the younger woman wouldn't refuse her.

Lexa wrapped her arms around Alex's waist and rested her head against the taller woman's shoulder. She gave a slight shake of her head, somewhat afraid that if she answered verbally that her mouth would find a way to make her 'no' sound very much like a 'yes'. She refused to change her mind because she was feeling a little emotionally weak and slightly unstable. She was also slightly afraid that she would ask Alex to stay, and that Alex would agree to.

She hadn't lied when she said she was happy for Alex. She was happy as she could be without her selfish emotion tainting the good feelings. Lexa wanted Alex to go back to the home she had described to her in such vivid detail with the tinge of sadness that accompanied the telling of it.

So, Lexa pressed further into Alex's body, not wanting to say anything else. She eventually fell asleep against the taller woman and was awoken by Alex softly saying her name as she brushed away the hair that had fallen around Lexa's face.

Lexa moved her stiff body and softly apologized for falling asleep against Alex. Alex waved the apology away and suggested they move to the bed, her body had also grown stiff from sitting on the floor, holding up Lexa's muscular frame.

Lexa rubbed at her eyes, and then stretched out her arms. She eventually stood up and led them to the bedroom, where she collapsed on the bed. Alex looked down at Lexa's sprawled out body, and sighed inwardly. She was going to miss Lexa, more than she probably realized. A sudden pain filled her heart, and she almost made the decision right then to not leave in the morning to just miss her flight. She almost talked herself into believing that if she stayed for just a few more days then she would be better prepared to leave and that Lexa would be better prepared to see her go.

Fortunately, Alex wasn't delusional. She knew better than to talk herself into believing things that wouldn't make things any better. The only true choice she had was to stay or to leave. It wasn't fair to draw the separation out and make them ache from the anxiety any longer. Alex needed to go back to New York. She needed it more than anything.

Alex sat at the edge of the bed and gently ran her hand through Lexa's dark hair. "I'm going to miss you, Alexandra."

Lexa's body moved closer to Alex, making Alex smile sadly at the younger woman's unconscious movement. She removed her hand from Lexa's hair, and then got ready to sleep. Once done, she carefully slid under the covers next to Lexa and fell asleep.

As soon as Lexa was sure Alex wasn't going to wake until her alarm went off in the morning, Lexa slid out of the bed. She grabbed a pack of cigarettes she had hidden away, and then went out onto her small balcony that overlooked nothing but empty space. She sat down on one of the few chairs she had bothered to purchase and propped her feet up on the low edge. She pulled out the cigarette and quickly lit it.

Alex didn't know that she had taken up smoking again, but since she didn't feel the need to get a lecture, she didn't feel the need to share her lapse back into her unhealthy nicotine addiction with her friend. She had gotten enough lectures from other people that surrounded her, and besides, she knew that if Alex gave her the lecture then she would make a genuine effort to quit again.

"You're a goddamned Hodges alright," she said to herself as she looked up at the starry sky above her. "Fucking, goddamned, Hodges."

"I'm not even gone yet, and you're already talking to yourself."

Alex's voice startled Lexa so much that she dropped her cigarette on her lap, but had the mind to brush it away before it had a chance to burn her. "Fuck, Alex. You scared me."

"Sorry," Alex weakly apologized. She took a seat on the small table next to Lexa, but first removed a cigarette from the pack Lexa had brought out with her and lit it. She took a few puffs from it then handed it over to Lexa who gingerly took it away from her. "Sometimes, you just need a cigarette."

Lexa gave a puny little laugh, but didn't feel the need to respond verbally.

"Couldn't sleep?" Alex eventually asked.

Lexa shrugged. "Felt the urge to suddenly curse myself out a bit." She looked at Alex. "You know how that goes."

Alex reached out for the cigarette, and Lexa let her take it away from her. "Unfortunately, I do." She blew out the smoke she inhaled into her lungs. "Why are you cursing at yourself?"

Lexa turned away. "I've already told you why."

Alex thought back to the numerous conversations they had had with each other about their families and their pasts. She thought about the memories Lexa had shared with her about her mother, and about growing up without her. She remembered Lexa telling her once, that every time she did something that reminded her too much of her family, she felt the insatiable need to start cursing at herself for letting them be a part of her.

"What did you do?" Alex asked.

"Acted like I didn't give a fucking shit about any of this," Lexa cursed herself again.

Alex took another drag from the cigarette. "I'm still here, Lexa."

This was her chance to ask Alex to stay. Lexa knew that, but she also knew that she wouldn't take it. "And you're still leaving, Alexandra."

Alex nodded, "I am."

Lexa smiled and started chuckling softly. Alex gave her a questioning look, but Lexa waved her concern away. "It's weird calling you, Alexandra," Lexa easily confessed. "You're right, it's like you're talking to yourself."

Alex smiled too, happy that something between them had managed to be settled, even if she didn't fully understand what that thing was yet. "So tell me about all the things you've been up to these last few weeks. I've not really gotten a chance to ask since you've been pushing me away lately."

Lexa gave her friend a guilty look, but held herself back from apologizing. She already knew she was forgiven. So instead, she started talking about her experiences of the last few weeks. She talked about how hard it was for her to get the new television, since the store clerk didn't know she was a Hodges, and that her family actually owned the store. She talked about how the band she had joined only a few months ago were talking about making their own album, and how they had inspirations to be serious rock stars, she explained she wasn't so sure she had the same ambitions and was thinking of quitting the band.

They talked until the sun started to rise, then made some coffee and talked some more. When it was finally time for Alex to leave, they stood at the gate of the apartment complex looking out at the street. Lexa shoved her hands into her pockets, after helping Alex with her luggage and offered to go to the airport, but Alex refused the offer saying that if Lexa joined her she wasn't sure she would actually make it onto the plane.

Lexa nodded her understanding, knowing that if she was the one getting on the plane she wasn't so sure she'd be able to get on either if she knew Alex was watching her take off. Leaving was always the harder part, Lexa figured, even if she'd never really left anyone before that really mattered to her. It seemed that all the people that mattered just ended up leaving on their own.

As the cab pulled up to take Alex away, Lexa grabbed onto the taller woman and pulled her into a fierce hug, which Alex returned with as much ferocity. "Take care of yourself," Alex whispered into Lexa's ear. "You're better than the Hodges."

"I love you, Alexandra," Lexa smiled as she said it, still feeling weird using her own name while addressing someone else.

Alex smiled back. "I love you too, Alexandra." She leaned over and gave Lexa a short soft kiss on the lips. "I better see you in New York."

Lexa bowed her head. "I'll make the trip for you."

"Good," Alex caressed the younger woman's cheek, and then pulled away. She got into the cab and forced herself not to look at the lonely girl she knew was standing watching her ride off to the airport. She reminded herself one more time that she needed to go back to New York. Olivia would be waiting for her at the airport. Her life and future was waiting to be sorted out, and it was time she finally took back control of a life she had been forced to let go of what seemed like so long ago, even if things were a little different these days.

**The End**

**I'm thinking of a sequel. Let me know if you'd be interested.**


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